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Honesty Time

2015-05-10 08:27:56 by Burn7

Alright, so this is going to be the first time in a while I've used this "News" thing to give some straight fucking talk*. 

I'm actually basically just blogging, so if you know nothing about me, don't have a few minutes to burn or don't care, this is me telling you to go away because I don't actually want you here either. This is an awkward moment for us both. You don't want to be here now, and I don't want you here because I know you won't have a good time. Yes, I am actually trying to look out for you here. I care about your happiness, even if you don't. So save yourself the wasted time and bing something or go watch a Youtube video about turtles fucking or how about that latest pewdiepie video, omg... right?**
[Note To Self: watch pewdiepie at least one time so you know what that shit's all about]

To everybody else still here: Yay! At least one of you read up until this point! Five stars for you! No sarcasm, I'm actually being sincere here. It's just difficult to convey via text... Ask anybody who texts their significant other. And major disclaimer right here: I've definitely been drinking, so be prepared for tangents galore.

So, straight talk time. I'll be entirely honest, I don't ever see myself having much sway in terms of words or ideas. I want to make a difference in the world as I'm sure a lot of people feel, but I'm now ready to go to whatever lengths necessary to do so. My current problem is: nobody has ever taken musicians seriously, and although that's far from all I am, that's all anybody online knows me as. As a matter of fact, I'm not entirely sure if most of the fans I have on this website are still active or even alive. 

I'm not saying this to discourage myself or to hurt anyone who does read this who would consider themselves a 'fan', because I love you dearly. I would be writing this to myself without you, I'm literally nothing if not for a guy with a very good group of supporters. I'm not attempting to seem pandering to an invisible audience of an unknown amount. I'm being honest here when I say: I think it would have been a better decision to make a Youtube channel if I wanted 'fans' or 'likes' or whatever. At first, viewcount and rating was the only thing I cared about. I wanted people to see my music, to know I exist. I wanted to make an impression, a fucking powerful one. I have to say, I haven't lived up to my expectations of what I can do. 

As of yet, that is. 

It's hard to say this, but any good online creator measures their worth via the feedback they receive. They don't want to, but when you open your works to the onslaught of the internet they are valued at the worth of itself compared against everything else anyone has ever seen online. Which at this point is fucking everything, so it's understandable why one would become discouraged from posting anything online. 

Here's what I've learned about numbers: If you're into collecting fans, posting online is not the game for you. 

When I look at the number of fans this page on Newgrounds has, it actually fills me with regret. Not that "It's not enough", or like "That's so puny", just... I feel an attachment to them. Each and every one of them, but I feel like I've let a very large portion of them down. If that's hard to understand, let me try to explain through a few of the things I've learned via my history as not only a newgroundser, but a citizen of the global unification of ideas known as the Internet***.


So, here we go, some drunken sage ass knowledge gained from experience for you: 

You look like a fucking idiot in front of everyone, and you turn into that guy nobody likes whoring out their own shitty music. You also end up pricing your albums at ridiculous amounts and get basically ZERO of the royalties depending on how much you front to attempt to make money. 

In regards to the way I did my music selling: I'm sorry. To everyone. It was a collaboration between myself and my father to try and get something up and running, but a one-man not even live band is a hard sell. Even if I was famous and/or extremely talented. The prices were not set by me, and I regret even signing up for the service I did with how it turned out. If I let you down with this process, you're not alone. I let myself down, and that was one of the driving factors of me not wanting to keep writing music or posting online. 



I have done this time and time again with friends, family, strangers, everyone. It's something I did in my life, and something I carried with me into my internet life. And if there was one place I didn't actually want to be a flake, it was where I was posting my music. Because, whether you're aware or not, word travels fast. And people know people who know people who know other people, and that's the only way things every have gotten done among our species: Networking. Social motherfucking networking[***^1].  

Digress mode: I feel like I let a lot of people down. And I'm sick and tired of that feeling, in my actual reality life and in my online one. I'm not going to promise people things I can't actually do, I'm not going to commit to something then drop out, and I'm most CERTAINLY not going to hype things that aren't already finished. You know what taught me that? Dean Hall and DayZ. But also this here website and the way I dealt with my music. 

I made more friends on this website than I did in real life (maybe untrue, I don't have the actual statistics for that), and I know for a fact the direction my life has taken was actually altered by my experiences here on Newgrounds. And so now I'd like to take a moment to apologize to anyone that is reading this that I personally let down. I am actually deeply sorry for giving you a false promise or whatever it was that I did that was so shitty. I'm actively attempting to be a better person at this point in time and that is my only goal in life as of now. 

Equally important, and only in hindsight have I learned this:

Even if it gets you in trouble, even if it gets you fucking killed... If you see an opportunity to do something that seems right to you, you do it. You take it and run with absolute manic fervor. If you're doing something that feels right, nothing can stop you. Unless it's like the cops or whatever, but even then they're just people too. 

Over the last 5 years, I've actually had quite a few opportunities that I've allowed to pass me by. Either I was tooling around as a college kid doing drugs, dealing with stress and depression in the worst conceivable ways, or being just a burnout in general. I'm kicking myself for so many different times in my life I could have made better decisions but didn't take the time to consider all my options. 

The hardest part is seeing those opportunities for what they are. People on this planet must take your chances. Life is a fucking game, and we all play it whether we like it or not. Some of us realize this and opt out. Others of us realize this and take advantage of how it's played. Most have no idea at all but continue playing unhindered. 

Regardless, we've all been playing with the hand we've been dealt along with everything else we've gained or lost throughout our lives. Play with the cards you can until you have nothing left. It's always worth it. You put the whole of yourself into something, and even if it fails you can still look back on what you've accomplished in the creation process and be proud of the things you've done. Unless you're placing all of your eggs in the 'victory' basket, in which case you have a different issue altogether. 

What my point is on this bit is this: When a dragon walks into your house, you don't want to spend the next 15 years in therapy over it killing your parents and you hiding in the basement. Trust me when I say this: You want to fight that dragon. Because if you die, you'll die a hero instead of living a coward. Even if everything inside of you cries against it, you must take control of the one thing you can truly control: yourself. You can manipulate others and physically bind someone, but the only thing one human can control is themselves and their constructs. Even then, some people create so much it becomes beyond their capacity to control and it overtakes them, thrusting them into a gauntlet of situations they never imagined. 



*: This link made me laugh harder than anything else I have ever done in my life. I know I could have probably done better, but goddamn shit, that fucking made my night/morning/whatever the fuck 6am is when you haven't slept. I think it's still technically morning, actually. 

**: This was sarcasm. I also don't actually like the other guy I linked more than Pewdiepie, so don't start a fucking flame war over that shit. It was a joke, like George Bush being elected twice in a row, or my plans for the future: a horrible goddamn joke. 


***^1: It wasn't an invention when the internet came out. Human beings have a social structure, just like every other fucking species of animal on this planet (or nearly, some animals are weird, man) and the word "network"? Google that shit. Not the techie nerd geek fucking definition (no offense fellow packet watchers, I'm actually one of you <3) the ENGLISH definition. The one that doesn't involve wires and electricity. Yeah, it's always been a thing. So that whole "Degree in social networking" was actually a degree years before they had the internet. It was called Social Sciences, and... goddammit, how the fuck do I remember this shit and yet people just a few years younger than me seem to be from an ENTIRELY DIFFERENT PLANET SOMETIMES?! Who is Bill Clinton, are you shitting me Teenager I met at Wendy's?! WHO THE FUCK IS BILL CLINTON, WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU SON? WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU!@?!?
- editors note: at this point I realized I was far too drunk to continue making logical sense and have therefore settled on the wise decision to quit while I was at the finish line. 


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2015-05-15 07:47:06

Woah, wordy. Keep your chin up, dude. Big fan of some of your older stuff, but I didn't keep up with any of my favorite newgrounders (a sad thing). I'd suggest bandcamp, you can set shit to free and some people might pay. Whatever you do, I hope to see you succeed, you're definitely on my shortlist if I ever manage to need music for anything. I Hope that day comes. Until then keep up the good fight.

Burn7 responds:

Thanks for the kind words, at the time of this writing I was very inebriated and upset and just felt like venting that out to the one place I felt like I could.

I hope I didn't impose with my negativity upon your day, it's the last thing I want to do. I'm honestly considering deleting this post since coming to sobriety and realizing how actually negative it is.

But at this point all I really want to do is keep writing music and occasionally interact in a positive way with those supporting me and the community.


2015-05-24 05:30:17

Hey man, sorry to hear that you've been pretty down about this stuff. I can't speak for anyone else, but you've never let me down. We all have shit that we have to get through so it's okay if you made a few wrong decisions. Just do what you can with the resources that you've got, or reflect on things, or vent like you did. Do whatever you need to. Just don't give up, come back swinging.

I did like the post though, cause it was real. Some stuff actually hit home for me, for instance I've missed some opportunities myself, but fuck it, I'm workin' with what I got :P If nothing else, you as a musician and you as a person (despite what you say, shut up :P ) inspire me, and you can't take that back. I dunno how much you check the site anymore, but I'm around, so if you want to vent whatever or talk, shoot me a PM brah. I dunno if that means anything, but there it is :P

I feel like I might be rambling, so I'll stop now haha. Anyways I'm still a fan and I always will be, so stay cool dude ^^

(Updated ) Burn7 responds:

Wow, seriously man. This actually meant quite a lot. It meant enough that I didn't enough know what to say for at least a week. I hate sounding pandering or complainy but that's exactly what this turned into. I know I seemed fairly down in my post... a lot of that was because I was "sad drunk". You know, that drunk you get when you're upset about something and drink to make it go away? But you're alone and can't find things to get your mind off the sadness, so you end up just being drunk and sad and posting online to try and make sense of it all? Okay, well... maybe that's just me but I want you to know that things have turned around a tad for the better over here at Burn7's house (read: apartment). I'm working things around and maybe with luck can turn some of this weight into momentum.

I did have a much longer message typed out, but it sort of turned into a "What I plan on doing" kinda thing and I would like to wait until I have something tangible to announce anything anymore. All I can say for now is I hope I will continue not letting you down!

Thanks, seriously!


2015-06-16 01:28:16

"I did like the post though, cause it was real. Some stuff actually hit home for me, for instance I've missed some opportunities myself, but fuck it, I'm workin' with what I got :P If nothing else, you as a musician and you as a person (despite what you say, shut up :P ) inspire me, and you can't take that back. " Just had to quote Axelstation and agree with what he and Mike-Fisher have said. Very much enjoyed the post and get inspired by your music every time I listen to it. And because I actually have the privilege of knowing you in real life, get to be inspired by you all the time. I've always envied you that you have your music you can make and do it, whether you believe it or not, well enough to actually feel your emotions through your music. Don't delete your posts I would say ever. FOLLOW YOUR OWN WORDS AND FIGHT THAT DRAGON. You meant to say it whether inebriated or not, and there are a few of us out there that actually will read and listen to what you have to say.

Burn7 responds:


No, but seriously. Thanks for perking me up. It was actually genuinely touching to read this, even if a lot of it I feel like I already knew. But I think that's also how I work: I just need somebody to confirm my feelings on something. So thanks for calling me out on being somewhat hypocritical, and also making sure your point gets through my thick skull.

Thanks for always being a bro. And for being my best friend the last few years. It's been more than a rough ride with seemingly no brakes for both of us. But there has to be something better to come. These early 20's years of our lives are meaningless at best, but they help define what we will be as we grow older.

It's been an honor to watch you grow up buddy. You'll never be the same snot I first met in 11th grade, and I'll never be the same shithead you got to know in 12th.


2015-06-24 02:26:18

Hey man, I see some feelings here that have echoed my own in the past, and I hope you get past them. Sorry to hear that the selling music route didn't work out for you, but don't feel bad about letting people down, 1) I'm sure they don't feel that way; 2) it just adds more weight to things.

I often stop making things half way through because of self-doubt and fear. Fear that it's not good enough, fear that it's not funny enough, and it's hard to get past these feelings sometimes. But everyone's on their own little journey, just keep doing you and power through. I don't know many people as talented as you, and I've got lots of friends in real bands.

When we spoke in the past, 2 things struck me about you; 1) this dude is talented. 2) this is dude is cool.

Stay cool dude!
(Sunglasses Emoji x 3)

Burn7 responds:

This seriously perked me up man. You have no idea, thank you seriously for being real with me.

The reality is creating things is fucking scary. Because it's a reflection of your skill, your talent, your ability and of yourself. And the entire time you're creating whatever it is you're making you have to face that reality every single second of creation.

It's a hurdle, that's for sure. And as nice as it is to know that I'm not the only one struggling with it, it also saddens me to hear others are and have been going through the same shit as I have. But like you said, "Just keep doing you and power through".

I think I like that line more than any other one I've heard from therapists, motivational seminars and posters with animals dangling from branches.

So, sincerely... Thank you for your kindness and honesty. I can only hope you're doing the things you'd like to be doing in your life too. Even if you have to wade through metric shitloads of hell to get there, I want to be able to see you succeed and think back to these moments when everything was so unsure and the anxiety took over. So I can think "If only I knew what good things were coming."

Hahah, WAY more positive than I normally am. But again, I want to thank you for your words. And I also apologize for taking forever to respond to this, I just genuinely wasn't sure what to even say! :P